THE SHADOW BY MY BED
While I was younger, the shadow by my bed was an imaginary monster I was so sure was definitely out for me. Looming in the dark, whispering in my ear, the silhouette figure that dashes by so fast. I was convinced it was a figment of my imagination. The creepy outline of the shirt I left hanging on the bed frame, the strange sounds in the dark that looms closer with each intensity I shut my eyes, the feeling of breathlessness as I sink deeper to endless depths gasping up for air as I pry my eyes open to find my limp body in a pool of sweat on my bed.
It was a monster I knew of, a shadow I awaited it’s presence every night as I climbed into bed, the most consistent presence in my life, one that never left, but only seemed to morph to suit me as i transitioned, like a genetically transcribed bodysuit.
The shadow’s a bit different now though, or maybe i am. It’s heavier, more present, like a thick wasp of smoke. I know it exists, I can feel it in the heaviness of my breath, the endless sighs, the contraction in my chest as I get overwhelmed by an immeasurable wave of sadness crushing my soul I can barely breathe. It’s grown, not so light anymore, not a figment of my imagination, not the silhouette of the cloth I left hanging, I was wrong, it was way more than that, it was me, the manifestation of my thoughts, the consequences of my actions, the feeling of inadequacy, the crippling anxiety, the self loathing. I was it, it was me… My biggest nemesis.
Today I face my biggest nemesis and slay my monsters, pouring a light of illumination unto that which has haunted my soul for time immemorial, maybe I can feel peace again, free of the burden, free of the heaviness, free to fly.
